I've read a lot of books that promised to change my life. "The Life Changing Magic Of Tidying Up" is the only one that truly did. (Thanks for the rec, @Laura!) LET ME SELL YOU ON THE KON-MARI METHOD:
  1. You will love getting dressed because your drawers will look dope!
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    Once you clean out all your stuff, you fold it all in a way that makes all your drawers look like jewelry boxes. You can see everything, and you know where all of it is, so it's easy to find your most responsible looking shirt from Fred Segal.
  2. You will flex your zero-tolerance policy for garbage! (Literally and figuratively!)
    When you Kondo, you'll ask yourself "Does this _____ make me happy?" approximately 1 billion times. You get really good at knowing the answer, and in the words of @lenadunham, "it's really liberating to say no to shit you hate." Ditto for clothes you only half-like.
  3. You will renew your vows with your stuff!
    You're getting rid of so much, so when you choose to keep something, it's because you really love seeing it every day. There's something romantic in saying "AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, YOU, YES YOU, ARE THE ONLY PANDA BEAR TOOTHBRUSH JAR I WANT." Or whatever.
  4. You will ponder the dignity of objects!
    Marie Kondo talks to all her possessions like they are helpful Sanrio characters. I don't, but having empathy for your stuff is an exercise in kindness. Also, if you imagine that dishes are delighted when they're clean, or your sweaters are happier when folded, you'll probably do that more often.
  5. You will make money!
    Made a couple hundos, at The Strand, no sweat. Run, don't walk to buy all my old Peter Brook textss from NYU!
  6. You will buy new stuff with that money!
    Cleaning things out shows you the holes in your wardrobe -- if you realize you're a die-hard sweatshirt person, go out and buy one that makes your heart sing! I recommend Alternative, but that's a @julia list.
  7. You will realize what a hold your mother has on your day-to-day life, even if she lives in New Mexico!
    I cannot tell you how many things I discovered I was keeping because I thought my mom would be mad if she knew I got rid of them! What mama don't know, etc.
  8. You will discover that objects do not equal memories!
    You'll never forget an amazing concert, even if you toss that fugly T-Shirt you bought at the merch stand. Kondo is NOT about ditching mementos, it's about only holding on to the objects that make you happy.
  9. You will swear your apartment is bigger!
    A big part of Kondo is getting things off the floor. This might be some Magic Eye shit, but clear floors definitely give you the illusion of more square footage!
  10. You will have fun!
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    Real talk, the 3/4 point of Kondoing, when your stuff is everywhere, you're tired and you need a snack is awful. BUT then you get the runners high of seeing all the stuff you don't need leaving your home forever and it's like:
  11. DISCLAIMER: You probably know already if going through EVERY SINGLE THING YOU OWN is a thing you want/need to do. It's not for everybody, and that's cool!
  12. RECOMMENDATION: Give yourself a weekend to do it. It took me 3 days, start to finish.
  13. INSPO: "Life becomes far easier once you know that things will work out even if you are lacking something." - MK