Trick or Treating Candy, Ranked
And what your treats say about you.
- •Take 5The gold standard. Empirically the greatest candy bar ever constructed, given out by only the coolest and most in-the-know neighbors whose houses shall go forever un-teepeed.
- •Snickers (Full-Size)As a candy bar, this is pretty down the middle, but if you skip the fun size and hand out full candy bars, you look baller as hell and your house is definitely getting robbed in the not-too-distant future.
- •Reese's CupsGreat option for lonely treat-givers. No one gets mad at having too many Reese's Cups, and savvy repeat-treaters will keep hitting up your house until you run out.
- •M&M'sPeanut, Pretzel or Peanut Butter: you're chill. Regular M&M's: suck it.
- •Nerds or SkittlesFor people over thirty who shop at Urban Outfitters and are desperate to still seem young and cool.
- •Three Musketeers or Milky WayThe minimal thought or effort choice. A great way to tell the neighborhood "I don't really like fun or candy or Halloween and I just want this to be over."
- •Mounds or Almond JoyIf you like coconut so much, move to an island.
- •SmartiesThanks, grandma! We're definitely not gonna crush these up and snort them with our adderalls.
- •Necco WafersPeople have noticed the strange sounds coming from your house at night, and the bodies will be discovered sooner than you think.
- •WhoppersFuck you, and you'll have only yourself to blame when your house is burned to the ground.