So It's Supposed To Get Easier...

I know Alex. You're grieving. We get it.
  1. It's officially been 5 months and a day since my partner died, and things are in fact NOT getting easier.
    They are getting much harder. I know this is meant to be normal, but it's no less hard because of that.
  2. It feels like most of the world is moving on and I'm being left behind.
  3. The further I move away from what happened, the clearer my mind becomes.
    Which means things that I wasn't allowing myself to feel are coming back. I mean, I already had sadness, anger and all those normal feelings, but these too?
  4. Like missing him on an everyday level.
    No one listens to me bitch about my sister like he did. There's no one I'd rather explain the entire Gilmore Girls revival series to. I just want to complain about his messy flat or late sleeping.
  5. Like being lonely.
    I feel awful, but aside from missing him, I also miss having my own human being who is my human being like he was. Not in a possessive way but in a "hey, let's grow old together and buy a fucking beautiful house and have the world's best kids and be really happy" kinda way.
  6. People keep telling me they're surprised at how well I'm doing, because I went and finished my degree and appeared to go about life normally.
    But what they don't know is that if I hadn't, I would've completely fallen off the horse. And I feel like I'm in the process now that uni is over and the year is winding down.
  7. All in all, I just want people to know that it does not, in fact, get easier with time. You just get further away from your human.
    Then again, who knows how I'll feel 5 months and a day from now?
  8. Thanks again for listening, list folk.