These are actually things I heard while working downtown, I miss crazy people
  1. I suck your dick every day and you wont even buy me a kielbasa
    This is great for a lot of reasons. One is that it as 3am and this couple was fighting over a snack. Also, this guy must be pretty cool to deem that 7 blow jobs a week isn't worth a $5 slab of polish meat. That means he could pay less than $1 per blowjob and he's still not giving in. What a hero
  2. Hey, just a heads up, there's a girl who keeps putting bottle caps in her snatch and shooting them at other guests, make sure she doesn't come back in
    A barback informed me and I didn't believe him until another manager followed it up with "we had to kick this gorgeous broad out for projectile issues"
  3. I don't run a meth lab, I just handle the operational aspects you know
    I didn't know and I didn't like hearing that when I drove this co worker home. I don't have a funny anecdote here, it's more a lesson in not trusting co-workers
  4. Nope! Just because he walks by doesn't mean you don't owe me $20
    I'm not positive I broke up a man and his prostitute, but nobody really says that while pulling their pants up if that doesn't happen
  5. I paint my nude body and lay on a canvas
    I had a boss that told me she did paintings and then followed it up with that fine print. It's like if someone said I farm and then followed it up with I paint my nude body and lay on a canvas