I STOPPED READING YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS AT:

  1. "It's official..."
  2. "So excited to officially announce..."
  3. "After a lot of thought, I can officially announce..."
    Did you take an unpaid internship or get traded in the NBA? Get a grip.
  4. "I don't normally do this, but..."
  5. "I've been trying to solidify my thoughts on this and..."
    Thank you for finally weighing in on [issue]. We were all waiting with bated breath for your thoughts on [issue]
  6. "I'm speechless"/"I'm at a loss for words"
    Then why are there so many words following this?? Cc @8on @benbass