Who were you in high school? Were you an athlete? Were you top of your class? Were you barely memorable, even to yourself? It doesn't matter to me, as I've taken the sole responsibility of deciding your past based on your favorite Netflix drama. Good fucking luck. 🎲🎲🎲
  1. β€’
    Hemlock Grove
    Your name was Clara. You wore black makeup. You had a HUGE crush on your smoldering, 33 year old art teacher, Brad. Most people called him Mr Richter, but YOU were special. YOU had talent. YOU had skill. YOU were going places. Then that whore Becky Jacobs told everyone you fucked him under the bleachers, so naturally the principal found out and fired your precious Brad. Everyone hated you after that. Your art got better and now you live in a flat in Greenwich (with your husband, Brad). Nice πŸ‘
  2. β€’
    You fucking LOVED Spanish class in high school. You would tell people you were fluent and they were like, listen asshat you are NOT fluent. They were right. You were not fluent. You were an asshat. You drove your little brother to school everyday in your '02 Toyota Corolla, which Krysta with the top-bun thought made you seem sweet, but you were too much of an asshat to ever get laid. You graduated as a sexless asshat, but you did earn that 88 in Spanish 3. So at least there's that. #upside?
  3. β€’
    You always wanted to be quarterback of the Jefferson Egrets, ever since you were 6 years old. You were an only child, and talked football all the time. It was SO annoying. You spent 4 years as 3rd string QB, certain that coach would put you in at least ONE game. Then it happened. Senior year state championship- 1st and 2nd string are injured-you make your debut- You lead the team to a victory- 21:17! This will be all you amount to, so keep watching those Friday Night Lights reruns, champ.
  4. β€’
    Orange is the New Black
    You were the new girl to Jefferson High. You started sophomore year. You were probably named Sam, or Charlie, or some other boy name that was given to you, a DEFINITE female. You befriended Claire, the quiet girl from your French 2 class, because she was nice to you and slightly less attractive. You dated Chris who played soccer- he had no notable qualities. You also had no notable qualities. It was a match made in heaven. God rest your soul, boring fucking Sam/Charlie.
  5. β€’
    Jessica Jones
    The theatre called out for you, it fucking BECKONED. What you lacked in looks, brains, or talent, you made up for in SHEER, UNBRIDLED enthusiasm. You auditioned for the lead in every play and got it for the little-known Cat's Cradle- a mystery about a bride and an inn and some other shit. You were subpar. Everyone very seriously questioned your sexuality but you had that girlfriend Elaine who you made out with EVERYWHERE so people chose not to ask. You bleached your hair. Elaine HATED it.
  6. β€’
    Did you smoke weed? THAT'S FUCKING RHETORICAL, ANDREW CLEMINS, CLASS OF '07. You were biggest weed dealer on this side of town. You got in that big fight with the kids from North Jefferson high when that drug deal went south. Remember? You got hit the the head with that tire iron? Oh you don't remember? Yeah it's cause you're still so fucking high.You were a fucking prodigy when it came to calculus though. You received the Stephen Hawking award for mathematic excellence. Everyone was like...him?
  7. β€’
    Your name is Allison Clarks. You teach US history at Jefferson high school. Although you graduated Jefferson in 19-fucking-99, you went straight back to high school after you got your bachelors from UC Merced. You LOVE Jefferson. You eat, breathe, and sleep Jefferson. You own only lilac and silver. You were engaged once upon a time to a Mr Bradley Richter until a scandal of some sort. Your favorite show, after Daredevil, is ABC's entire Thursday night line-up. You call your parents twice a week.
  8. β€’
    House of Cards
    YOU FUCKING KILLED IT IN HIGH SCHOOL.You were in the top 10% of your class. You dated that hot Spanish exchange student, Marti. Everyone loved you!..until they didn't. 2 weeks before graduation you got Marti pregnant and she told you in front of your WHOLE English class. You two got in a fight, which that fucking Becky (bitch) recorded on her LG chocolate, and everyone in the school saw your casual slip of the C word to the mother of your child.It's fine though, you're still going to YaleπŸ™ŒπŸ»
  9. β€’
    Marco Polo
    You're that guy who jacked it in the locker room bathroom and got expelled for it, when the basketball team came in early from practice and caught your pervy ass. No one remembers your name, other than remembering the beloved nickname "Wanking Wally". Was your name Wally? Did it even start with a W? No one gives a fuck. Your favorite show is Marco Polo, so you were fucking expelled, Wanking Wally. Watch out friend, I heard you can get blind doing that too much. Byeeeee πŸ‘‹πŸ»πŸ‘‹πŸ»πŸ‘‹πŸ»