HOW I ASSUME THE 2016 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE SPENDING THEIR SUNDAY NIGHT

  1. Ted Cruz: doing a command-F search for "Bushmaster" on a website of Thomas Jefferson quotes.
  2. George Pataki: printing out a webpage.
  3. Martin O'Malley: varnishing his pecs.
  4. Jeb Bush: watching Sunday Night Football and feeling like he really GETS Cris Collinsworth.
  5. Lincoln Chafee: building a ship in a bottle.
  6. Jim Webb: building a ship in a bottle with working cannons.
  7. Marco Rubio: sees 'The Martian' in theaters, talks in the middle of it, realizes he has Matt Damon's exact voice.
  8. Ben Carson: distrusting weather.com, for reasons.
  9. Chris Christie: watching the Mets, on TV, at the Dallas Cowboys' stadium.
  10. Carly Fiorina: wondering how Hillary Clinton would criticize Hillary Clinton.
  11. Hillary Clinton: texting her granddaughter. Granddaughter texting back.
  12. Jim Gilmore: asleep in front of baseball.
  13. Rick Santorum: teeth-grinding.
  14. Lindsey Graham: capping off an entire day spent on a porch.
  15. Rand Paul: administering a Sunday night eye exam, because the government shouldn't tell you when your child can get prescription sunglasses.
  16. Mike Huckabee: looking for an anti-Canadian epithet to work into dissing Bernie Sanders.
  17. Bernie Sanders: in a Delta coach middle seat, refusing to sleep lest he inconvenience a fellow passenger while unconscious.
  18. Bobby Jindal: pushing his children to do something "viral" for him.
  19. John Kasich: doing anything, and seeming like the sanest man in America by comparison.
  20. Donald Trump: sleeping the sleep of a guiltless angel.