(Relatively Specific) Types I've Dated And What Ensued

Inspired by @sswyryt
  1. Die hard Red Sox or White Sox fans
    I'm from and attended school Upstate NY yet this happens more often than not. They usually call/text bitch about bad plays or records for the season and take out their frustrations about the team losing on me (not in like an extreme emotional or physical way). I'm not super into baseball so I usually cheer for the opposing team for the sake of being difficult/stirring the pot/keeping things "fun"
  2. Men who have a super strong relationship with their mother and/or grandmother
    One guy worked full time and had graduated college and still drove home every weekend to have his mom do his laundry 😒 called himself a mommas boy instead of a lazy ass who couldn't help himself. On the positive end, another guy had a Matt Saracen/grandma a la Friday Night Lights relationship with his grandma and it was super adorable.
  3. Guys who say they're open to a serious relationship who then change their mind when the conversation comes up.
    Oh, I'm sorry Sybil that must have been your other, smaller ego talking. Have fun on your endless endeavor of swiping right.
  4. Ex lacrosse/hockey players
    This is odd because I'm not athletic at all so when they're reminiscing (read:still not over) their division three sports days I can't really relate or care. I do appreciate their long flow of hair though.
  5. Guys named John/Jon who are in some form of the military and end up regretting that decision so they take out their problems on me while also insisting I visit them wherever they're stationed which is super confusing and full of mixed signals.
    I basically sing Taylor Swift's Dear John and Mean a lot and then realize I don't need to put up with it and gtfo.
  6. Dudes who claim they're liberal like I am and are really into guns like recreationally but also to the point where they argue about gun laws and regulations.
    I usually get stressed out and pick fights about this that are filled with wild hypotheticals but are still important.
  7. Guys who tell me that they're pilots but really work sorting baggage at airports. This is worth mentioning because it happened two times in a row.
    Look, I don't have a pilot fetish. I do have a Top Gun fantasy, but who doesn't? I'm not into being picky about someone's job, just maybe don't tell a huge lie about your life.
  8. Boys who think they're film experts and brag about their sophisticated taste.
    Not a film snob in the slightest but don't act like one then take me to Kingsman: The Secret Service and ask if I've "ever done that" during that uncalled for anal sex scene at the end. I will post about that scene until the end of time. IT SERVED NO PURPOSE IN THAT MOVIE.
  9. Guys who claim they are "old fashioned" and "don't use social media" but are really covering up having a girlfriend
    Twice.
  10. Men who really really like to talk about themselves who treat a date more like a therapy session.
    Three times.