This one's mainly aimed at future sad me (I know you're coming but jokes on you I'm prepared as FUCK), but if it's helpful to anybody else also that would be 💯. (Obviously I'm not a therapist or whatever, just someone with a lot of experience of feeling like a sad robot person, so if you're not future me, take any of this with a pinch of salt.)
  1. Put down your phone (preferably far away from you) (obvs once you've finished reading this list)
    When I feel super shitty it's tempting to just refresh apps on my phone constantly for hours while huddled in bed, because that's pretty much the most passive thing you can do. But I've learned the hard way that passivity (idk if that's a word but I'm rolling with it) is your enemy when you're in a bad patch, so step one is to get off your phone.
  2. Get up and be useful (hard, I know, but you can do this)
    I volunteer at a charity shop on Saturday mornings, and for some reason am also very prone to feeling like an emotionless robot on Saturday mornings, so I never want to go, but it makes me feel so much better when I've gone. Partly because it's active so I'm distracted from myself, partly because it makes me feel like I'm contributing something to the world, and partly because sometimes I genuinely enjoy it. Go.
  3. Walk
    I have no idea why this helps but it really does - walk the dogs, walk into town, walk aimlessly, whatever. It works a lot of the time, and even if it doesn't, it's active, which is always better than passive.
  4. Drink a big glass of water all in one go
    I go hard for the Plant Nanny app, and if I can't make myself feel better then by god I can keep my little plant friend alive.
  5. Watch The Office
    Or, if you're reading this and you're not me, whatever your favourite show is. I know it's passive, but whatever, this is my list and I'll contradict myself if I want to. If it feels familiar and is the most likely thing to make you laugh, watch it. If it doesn't make you laugh in a whole episode because you're feeling really numb, do one of the other things on this list. Variety's the spice of life and all that shit.
  6. Speak to someone
    If you're me, not about the fact that you are now an automaton, because that won't help - just talk about anything to anyone, try and draw yourself out of this. If you're not me and you know it helps you to talk about how you're feeling (or not feeling), do that. I know it's hard to do anything, but you just have to.
  7. Read a book
    Feeling productive can help a lot - even better if you can finish a book. As much as you like it, stay away from poetry, future me - Birthday Letters is not going to alleviate your mood. Stick to the prose.
  8. Eat something
    Literally whatever you want, don't worry so much about being healthy, just make sure you eat.
  9. Plan a trip
    Pick somewhere you want to go, and plan a hypothetical future trip there - research things to see in Yellowstone, figure out when's the best time of year to go, read reviews of restaurants. This helps remind you that there's a lot of cool shit to be done in the future, and it's a great distraction if you can force yourself to get into it.
  10. If all else fails, think of your parents
    This one's for future me, because I'm very close to both my parents, but if you're not me and you're reading this, then substitute my parents for whoever loves you the most (it might not feel like it but there is someone). Even if you don't really care about your life, they do, and you owe it to them to keep going and not completely fuck up their lives by throwing yours away.
  11. Okay, that's all. This was a v intense, heavy, personal list, but you've got to take a risk once in a while, and hopefully putting this very scary thing out into the world will help me later in life and/or anyone else. I'd better go tell someone a fart joke or something to make up for all this gross sincerity.