A Scared Girl's Guide To Getting Rid of Bed Bugs

  1. 1.
    First, get bites that look like they're from mosquitos for months. Write them off as mosquito bites because they don't look like the classic "bed bug" in a line bites. Strip your bed several times because you think you may have an infestation, only to NEVER see those fuckers.
  2. 2.
    On the night before you move to an apartment, have your boyfriend stay over. He gets crazy itchy, so you shine a flashlight on the bed. A BUG.
  3. 3.
    Have a meltdown while he and your dad tear your bed apart, and find the tiniest of infestations.
  4. 4.
    Throw away your pillows, rugs, bedding & then have a mental breakdown. Let your boyfriend & dad spray for the bugs, then move you.
  5. 5.
    Go home for the holidays for a week.
  6. 6.
    Come back, settle in, go to sleep in your new place for the first time.
  7. 7.
    AWAKEN TO ITCHING.
  8. 8.
    🚨PANIC🚨
  9. 9.
    Bag up all your clothes in double trash bags. Accidentally single bag some because shit's hard and you can't win em all.
  10. 10.
    Send your delicates and dry cleaning out to a bed bug laundry service. The guy is super impressed by your apartment to the point of being nebby. Also questions the number of bags you're sending out.
  11. 11.
    Re-spray bed, laundry cart, etc. Run from the room because it feels like pepper spray.
  12. 12.
    Go shopping. Bed bath & beyond for under the bed ziplock bags for our clothes, as well as a new pillow and bed cover.
  13. 13.
    Go to Sephora for emotional shopping: $75 later and you feel slightly better?
  14. 14.
    Wash bedding. Cry at the sheer number of clothes you still need to wash.
  15. 15.
    Put bedding on your newly cleaned bed.
  16. 16.
    Sleep SO. WELL. The bugs are gone...for now.
  17. 17.
    Vow to never set suitcase anywhere near your bed again. Those under the bed clothing bags are ugly but they serve a purpose, right?
  18. 18.
    Breathe. Maybe you're closer to being a New Yorker now that you've survived...