Best Places to Poop in Brooklyn

Thanks for the request, Callie. This is obviously my wheelhouse.
  1. Any Starbucks ever. They are NYC's public restrooms. Especially the ones in downtown Brooklyn because there's never a line and I always have to poop when I'm there.
    You don't have to be a customer. You don't have to get a key with a large spoon attached to it from the counter. You have free reign to poop with abandon, and not feel guilty for how long you take or how bad it smells. It's fucking Starbucks. God invented this place so you could poop while walking around anywhere at any time. Pro tip: always smile on your way out. You did the right thing.
  2. The Way Station in Prospect Heights
    The bathroom is the TARDIS from Doctor Who. And it's bigger on the inside. If you do not watch this show you will not care, but if you do you are aware that you may be traveling through time and space. Pro tip: find Matt Smith's, Karen Gillam's and Stephen Moffat's autographs. Bonus points if you can find the "Bad Wolf"!
  3. Blueprint in Park Slope
    This is just a really pretty, always extremely clean, one person at a time bathroom. They always have Mrs. Meyers basil hand soap which is my favorite. Pro tip: if you focus on the wavy lines of the designer wallpaper, your poop will slip right out.
  4. Boat Bar in Carroll Gardens
    This is a classy little bar with a cute bathroom that you should only poop in and NOT have sex in. If you can't help it, and HAVE to fuck in this bathroom you should NOT do it on the sink. It will fall off the wall and water will spray everywhere and the bartender will not know how to fix the plumbing and she will cry. Pro tip: do a shot with the bartender immediately upon arrival and things may go more smoothly.
  5. Pine Box Rock Shop in Bushwick
    The collage in these bathrooms are unbelievable. There are millions of naked ladies, tiny dicks, drugs, rock stars, cats, and inside jokes. AKA tons of stuff to look at while you poop. Pro tip: I work here so please do not pass out in the bathroom. If you do I will have to unlock the door from the outside, yell at you, shake your unresponsive slumped body, tell you I'm calling you an ambulance (this revives you), help you pull up your panties and carry you out to the bouncer. Not again!
  6. Chilo's in Bed Stuy
    Once you've eaten 5 carnitas tacos, relax and let your butt explode in their bizarre bathroom. There is a strange light machine against the wall and speakers mounted on the ceiling, making your poop experience much like an early 90s rave. Pro tip: wear a jumpsuit or romper so you have to get basically naked while pooping. Naked seated solo dancing is the best!