Dumb Things I've Done While Half Asleep.

  1. I googled "what was that noise?!"
  2. I put A&D ointment on my toothbrush. Then put it in my mouth.
  3. I put on socks and shoes before my pants.
  4. I left the apartment without pants.
  5. I locked myself out of my apartment without pants.
  6. Or a phone.
  7. I panicked and cried.
  8. Then I realized my keys were in my hand the whole time.