My shitty (summer cold?) symptoms

Diagnose me! I just got new insurance but I don't have a card yet. I guess I could call them but those kind of calls stress me out a lot.
  1. A cough that's not quite dry and not that wet.
    It rattles and sounds kinda phlegmy, but it's not productive.
  2. My nose is not totally stuffed, but my headache is insane and also totally sinus pressure related and totally not hangover related I swear but seriously I have sinuses.
  3. My hair hurts.
    Like even my body hair. Even the idea of my body hair where I shaved on Tuesday. Aching everywhere including my teeth. Like the tips of my teeth.
  4. A whistling wheezing sound when I breathe through my mouth.
    But not my nose. Is that important? But through my mouth is so wheezy and I feel it in my chest a little. Then I feel my chest and I'm like, "my boobs feel like they're in a bustier like it's the Wild West oh shit I have whooping cough or consumption shit shit shit"
  5. I don't have to cough much all day but at night once I lay down my cough's like, "hey, now. And now. Yo, now. Oh you gotta sleep? No, now. Girl? Now. And now. Now cough. Now. Sip of water? Not helping, no, now. And also now. 5am? Now."
    That's why I'm watching tv sitting upright rn when I should be going to bed.
  6. My cat wants to cuddle me extra and I want him to leave me the fuck alone.
    It's usually the opposite.
  7. Help?