People I've Heard About Recently That Make Me Feel Better About Myself

  1. Pancreatitis Paul
    A bartender we met in New Orleans who was recently hospitalized for pancreatitis. He divulged this information immediately. "I think it's because of all the fatty food here." Sure Paul. And yes, let's do a shot.
  2. OD Dave
    A friend of a friend. He showed up to the airport drunk and then took FOUR XANAX in preparation for his flight. Obvi he woke up at an ER near Laguardia hours later. He then took a cab back to the airport, went to Seattle, and got wasted and coked up every night. I'm not sure this guy has heard of the phrase "wake up call."
  3. 86ed Gabe
    An acquaintance. He's not allowed in any bar in his neighborhood for a slew of reasons. He recently rode his bike while hammered and wrecked, then took a cab to his destination (a bar). TWO DAYS LATER he got around to going to the hospital where he discovered he had a collapsed lung, FOUR broken ribs, and a lacerated liver. GABE!
  4. Fall Down Karen
    A friend of a friend. She apparently fell down every time she went out. EVERY TIME. She thinks her nickname is silly and cute.
  5. Black Out Maxine
    A friend's college acquaintance. Three years in a row my friend had to carry this girl to the curb and call her an ambulance. AT THE SAME RECURRING PARTY for Freshmen.