Reasons I've Kicked People Out of My Bar

  1. He pooped on the floor.
    In fairness, this was (RIP Dennis!) a 600 year old man who looked like a drunk turtle. When he tried coming back a few days later and I told him he wasn't allowed here anymore because he made a mess, he said "what, pee?" (As if peeing on the floor is no big deal.) I said, "Nope! You left a giant turd right here!"
  2. She came behind the bar to call me poor.
    This woman was really mad I wouldn't charge her phone after she had a) not tipped once b) paid for her second Long Island iced tea in three installments of $3 c) yelled at everyone in the room that my bar sucks. No bitch, I'm not charging your phone. And I'm not mad at you for not tipping because I'm "poor" but because that's fucking rude.
  3. He broke a glass and held it to another man's throat.
    In fairness, the other guy was really being a dick. And he was extremely coked up. No one was hurt. The guy's friend came in being like, "hey buddy, what are you doing?" and he just put down the glass, said casually, "hey mark." and cried.
  4. He touched girls' butts.
    That about says it.
  5. She waved a bag of cocaine in my face.
    Newsflash: it's not the 80s. This does not make you cool; it makes you sad and pathetic.
  6. She threw a glass at my coworker's head.
    Because he wouldn't break her $100 bill at 4pm for a $4 happy hour drink! He had just opened and simply did not have any $20s in his register yet. He caught the glass midair like a badass, by the way. She then had the nerve to write us a bad review on Yelp.
  7. He called me a bitch, then went on to say he tipped me well, therefore he can call me whatever he wants.
    I am not your humiliation slave, dude. I would charge way more than the dollar an hour you've been tipping me for that service.
  8. She paid with a fake 50. Twice.
    First time could have been an accident. But twice? Bitch, you be counterfeitin'!
  9. He refused to tip me unless I kissed him.
    When I responded, "You don't tip that well anyway." He flipped out and threatened not to pay unless I "took it back." That was an empty threat because I totally had his credit card.