DAILY PERTURBERANCES 4.29

This is a list. A list of not daily thoughts, but a day’s worth of thoughts that perturb me: perturberances, if that was a word. Maybe I’m thinking of the form of protuberance. Well, these are mind protuberances, a thought protruding, aberrant from the logical. All tangential, yet overcoming.
  1. Crushing on Someone that Uses Internet Explorer as Their Primary Browser
    I would like to send praise to my Hair God that keeps me looking fly as hell and fresh to death that this has yet to happen, and I am a crush-happy gal with terrible taste. The only reason that this possibility ever entered my mind was as a classmate was setting up his presentation, he exposed his dirty little secret on the big screen. I didn’t know we still lived in such primitive times—modern day cannibalism would be less shocking than millennial use of Internet Explorer.
  2. Small Talk at the Hair Salon
    I hate small talk. I’m terrible at it, so it terrifies me. And hair salons are the placeification of small talk. I bring a book to the hair salon as an excuse to ignore the chattiness of the lighthearted environment depicted in film and popular culture. I have watched Queen Latifah in Beauty Shop countless times and am still none the wiser. And what’s worse, I hate books and I hate reading. I have to do something I hate to avoid something. It's a never ending cycle of ugh.
  3. Breaking Other People's Belongings
    I'll always remember the time we were visiting my parent’s family friends in San Diego or some other city in California that doesn’t matter. And I managed to string together a fantastic stream of physical comedy gags, if only a camera was focused on me. A keyboard, ugly window blinds, and a shelf and its belongings left bent and broken in my unintentional Godzilla-like path of destruction. That is not an Asian joke. I don’t think I’m allowed to make those, because I think I’m like barely Asian.
  4. Milk
    Milk or cloudy water? NYU has some of the grossest water fountain water. But I still drink it. I’m hoping I get some mild, but serious enough sickness so I can sue the school for some cash and a diploma.
  5. Becoming a D-List Celebrity, What Career Path Follows That?
    The entirety of my financial planning is dependent on a windfall. A windfall of job offers, inheritances, straight cash—Note: buy tickets for Mega Millions drawing. I don’t have a sound scheme on how to get there. So I fear I could easily fall into the trap of reality television, a quick and easy way to make money for little effort. Binge drinking, wearing cocktail dresses for casual hangs and physical altercations. Then shame, unemployment and Kirkland brand boxed wine for the rest of my days.