If any of these jobs were real I'd be so good at them
  1. "Please hold" musician
    I wish there was an actual musician on the phone when a company says please hold and you hear elevator type music. This is inspired by a skit from Portlandia. I could be that musician. I'd play the shit out of some elevator music on the flute and sooth the heck out of impatient callers
  2. Professional complainer
    I love whining and I'd love it even more if I could monetize it. I could just stand on a soap box on a park and unleash my woes. I'm really good at whining (or so my mother says)
  3. Uninformed sports commentator
    I'd like to be a sports commentator but only comment on the athletes cute outfits and all other trivial aspects of the sport i.e. how fun/boring it looks. This would be coming from someone who has 0% knowledge/interest in sports but who likes having opinions on things
  4. Professional sleeper
    I'm really good at sleeping. Like really good. So good that I should get paid to do it. One time a man climbed through my window in the middle of the night and stole my purse and i didnt even wake up. I'm *that* good
  5. Professional backseat driver
    I've never driven a car in my life but I love to tell drivers what they're doing wrong. I also like to tell my dad when hes driving to stop looking at fancy houses and start looking at the road unless he wants me to immediately get out of the car or die.
  6. The peanut gallery
    I'd like to be the peanut gallery that nobody wants to hear comments from. I like being in the background stirring shit up. I could make good money from being a full time peanut gallery
  7. Town troubadour
    I want to be like the Stars Hollow resident troubadour in Gilmore Girls except I want to get paid really well for doing it. In the middle of the night I'd serenade people at their windows with my mournful plastic recorder rendition of My Heart Will Go On