Things I believed when I was a child
- •Big foot existedIn elementary school my friend convinced me that big foot existed and we'd spend our lunch break outside in the field hunting for footprints in the snow liked crazed fools. I even brought a magnifying glass and binoculars to school. We decided we'd write a book about it and we'd be the youngest kids to ever be published. We were some pretty delusional 7 year olds
- •Groundhogs dressed and talked like humansMy friend once told me there was a family of groundhogs living under her house. I took this to mean that they had rented out a room in her basement and that they dressed and talked like people. It took my parents a solid 6 months to convince me that groundhogs could not in fact speak English, did not wear clothes and were incapable of renting rooms. I'm still dubious to this day
- •My friend had a pet wolfMy friend told me she owned a pet wolf and I believed her because I was gullible af
- •If you drink milk and orange juice together YOU WILL LITERALLY DIEMy friend told me that mixing milk and orange juice causes INSTANT DEATH. I blindly believed her because like I said I was hilariously gullible. I still don't mix dairy products with orange juice to this day just to be on the safe side
- •Saying "so what" was basically as bad as swearingI was convinced that if someone replied with "so what" to something I said, it was a punishable offense. In elementary school I told on my friend for saying "so what" to me and she was put in time out. This further fueled my suspicions that this phrase was just as bad as swearing. What I'm trying to say is that I was a 6 year old trapped in the body of an 18th century nanny on sass patrol.
- •Booby traps are a MUSTI used to think that my room must be fully equipped with booby traps in case someone tried to break in to steal my Polly pockets. I'd take my belts and elaborately tie them to various drawers in my room and to my door handle so that opening my door would cause a drawer to open. An opening drawer would surely scare away even the most violent of criminals.
- •Showers are where the highest number of stabbings occurI still stand by this
- •I could convince my parents to get me an older sisterThis never happened. I'm still bitter