ALL THE PEOPLE IN THIS ROADSIDE MOTEL POOL, WHICH IS ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF FOUR PARKED CARS
these things never end well
- •My two kids, in ill-fitting bathing suits I procured at the local Kohls Department Store, adjacent to the motel.
- •Seventeen other children, probably cousins, who I believe are here for their grandmother's birthday party, which is currently happening in the lobby and is being catered by the Waffle House.It is worth noting that they each have a pool noodle and are only able to communicate in screams.
- •A twenty-something man who seems to be in training for some sort of breath-holding competition, as he keeps going underwater for increasing stretches of time, during which he remains completely motionless.
- •The blond toddler with the Super-Soaker™
- •The other blonde toddler with the other Super-Soaker™
- •Their respective mothers, who are completely oblivious to the absolute havoc being wreaked by these tiny sharpshooters.
- •The woman in charge of the 17 cousins who is not having this water-gun nonsense, y'all need to take care of your business because I am not here to get wet and if I wanted to get wet I would be in the damb pool.
- •A tween boy lazily pushing a baby around in an inner-tube while also feeding him a bottle.
- •The elderly couple who arrive dressed for a swim, however, after surveying the situation, seem genuinely disappointed in where we are as a society and decide to go back to their room.
- •The little girl in the corner of the pool, throwing up. In the pool.The speed with which I pulled my children from said pool was somewhere between Usain Bolt and Speed of Light.
- •Her mother, who says, when I tell her that I think her daughter might be sick, "She's fine, she's just coughing."