ALL THE PEOPLE IN THIS ROADSIDE MOTEL POOL, WHICH IS ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF FOUR PARKED CARS

these things never end well
  1. 1.
    My two kids, in ill-fitting bathing suits I procured at the local Kohls Department Store, adjacent to the motel.
  2. 2.
    Seventeen other children, probably cousins, who I believe are here for their grandmother's birthday party, which is currently happening in the lobby and is being catered by the Waffle House.
    It is worth noting that they each have a pool noodle and are only able to communicate in screams.
  3. 3.
    A twenty-something man who seems to be in training for some sort of breath-holding competition, as he keeps going underwater for increasing stretches of time, during which he remains completely motionless.
  4. 4.
    The blond toddler with the Super-Soaker™
  5. 5.
    The other blonde toddler with the other Super-Soaker™
  6. 6.
    Their respective mothers, who are completely oblivious to the absolute havoc being wreaked by these tiny sharpshooters.
  7. 7.
    The woman in charge of the 17 cousins who is not having this water-gun nonsense, y'all need to take care of your business because I am not here to get wet and if I wanted to get wet I would be in the damb pool.
  8. 8.
    A tween boy lazily pushing a baby around in an inner-tube while also feeding him a bottle.
  9. 9.
    The elderly couple who arrive dressed for a swim, however, after surveying the situation, seem genuinely disappointed in where we are as a society and decide to go back to their room.
  10. 10.
    The little girl in the corner of the pool, throwing up. In the pool.
    The speed with which I pulled my children from said pool was somewhere between Usain Bolt and Speed of Light.
  11. 11.
    Her mother, who says, when I tell her that I think her daughter might be sick, "She's fine, she's just coughing."