CLASSIC CRIMES COMMITTED IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD LAST WEEK

Where "week" means "month" because this was in drafts for a while.
  1. Classic case of two little girls going door to door asking for money for their high school band trip.
    Except, they're like...seven and ten years old. WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?
  2. Classic case of two boys riding double on one bike, until they disappear in someone's carport and then suddenly they each have their own bike.
    I see you.
  3. Classic case of man stealing plants off someone's front porch at 10:00 pm.
    This is a new low. Also he is caught on camera complaining about how heavy the ceramic pots are. Also, his hat says "✨FANCY✨" Also, he was still wearing the hat when they arrested him.
  4. Classic case of woman in satin muumuu and bedroom slippers returning to aforementioned porch (an hour later) in an attempt to steal front porch furniture.
    At least have the decency to get dressed. Take pride in your work. Unless this is your "Going-Out" muumuu, in which case I suggest stepping up the footwear bc your current choice is confusing everyone. Thank you.