If you even exist at all...
  1. Regarding my "ship-to" address...I think you should know that I'm straddling a few states right now.
  2. No, really. I'm ACTUALLY LIVE-LISTING FROM THE FOUR CORNERS MONUMENT, where picnic tables and self-contained toilets ARE available.
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    Currently, I have one hand in Arizona, one hand in Utah, and my right and left feet firmly planted in Colorado and New Mexico, respectively. The only way I'm even able to type this list is with a pencil-turned stylus I'm holding between my teeth.
  3. Just kidding, I'm still in bed.
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    Literally where even am I right now?
  4. Anyway, I just want you to know, Santa, (and anyone else who wants to send me a gift, pls contact @ChrisK for my Wish List), that the address I provided is my family home in Ohio and that I won't be there until the 18th.
  5. And if you've already sent the package, there's a good chance my mother is eyeing it with ever-increasing curiosity, and at some point, may "accidentally" open it.
    There's also a chance she'll just put it in a safe place for me to open upon my arrival, now that she fully understands the legal implications of mail obstruction. 📦 U.S. Code, Title 18, Section 1702, MOM! 📦 Just in case five years in Club Fed didn't straighten you out. ❤️
  6. I wanted you to know this, in case you'd sent my Secret Santa gift and were wondering about the radio silence.
    ... ... ... ... ⌛️📻📡 hello, hello?
  7. Or, if you haven't yet sent my gift, but it's something I need to enjoy right away, like a pie, or an ice sculpture, you can send it to me here, in bed. In Louisiana.
    Address available upon request.
  8. I hope you read this message.
  9. ❤️, @alligeeshow
  10. P.S. I never stopped believing in you.