FIELD NOTES FROM MY FIRST HOT YOGA CLASS

  1. β€’
    Every person in this room is a hair-removal devotee.
    Like, for real. Guess we're no longer letting things slide during the winter months. Also, are we tanning now?
  2. β€’
    I was told there were all shapes and sizes in this class
    ...and the main reason I came was because I pictured just a hot beautiful mess of humanity getting their stretch on, and that sounded like something I could really get into.
  3. β€’
    So why is everyone so blonde & bronze & perfect?
    Just an observation. Also, I see you eyeing my thigh gap in the mirror & want you to know I did nothing to create it. Largely determined by tendon length and pelvic width, this supposed signifier of thinness is little more than a social media phenomenon designed to make you feel bad about yourself.
  4. β€’
    Opening breathing exercises: how weird that there's a gigantic street-sweeping truck outside a strip-mall yoga studio!
    OH MY GOODNESS THE SUCKING NOISE IS NOT A MACHINE IT'S THE GUY IN THE FRONT ROW WITH THE SKULL-PRINT BOOTY SHORTS. Why is he doing this?!
  5. β€’
    Rocking my hips back and forth is oddly like this dance a kid from my high school used to do at every pep rally.
    The Gary Haskins Butt Dance is happening. πŸ™ŒπŸΌπŸ™ŒπŸΌ Namaste.
  6. β€’
    I should not have had the piece of fudge before class.
    Damn it, Alli. Also the gigantic fizzy water.
  7. β€’
    It is one hundred and five degrees AF in here.
  8. β€’
    I wonder if this place is regulated by any sort of governing body?
    Like, is there a chance the temperature has soared to 125 degrees and no one notices and/or cares because they're too busy achieving a higher state of consciousness?
  9. β€’
    It is easily one 115 in here. I should know; I used to own a greenhouse. I guess I still own it, technically.
  10. β€’
    Should I say something? About the heat?
  11. β€’
    I did sign a waiver. And agree to "leave my judgement at the door."
    I probably should have taken some time to get my affairs in order. Who will raise my children? Why is everything sort of white and sparkly around the edges?
  12. β€’
    I'm just going to rest for a while on my mat. I think I will live if I am very very still.
  13. β€’
    I am in the room. I am still in the room.
    Every few seconds, though, I am in an all-white apartment in Palm Beach in the late 80's, I have food poisoning from the Chicken In A Bird's Nest at that weird Chinese Restaurant and now I'm on the carpet and my mom is trying to wake me up by placing a cool cloth on my forehead but she can't because I'm too dehydrated and now I've ruined vacation all because I misordered.
  14. β€’
    I'm sorry about the carpet, Mom. Thank you for trying to save my life. This damp cloth smells really nice.
  15. β€’
    Oh, is this Alicia, the instructor? Is this the part of class where you get the eucalyptus towel? DID I LIVE?
  16. β€’
    "Yes, Alicia I WAS just really feeling Savasana today!"
    Way to honor my body, I know. πŸŽ†πŸŽ‡
  17. β€’
    I