THINGS THAT COME STANDARD WITH MY NINE-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER'S OFFER TO BE MY NURSE

I've got the headache, she's got the time.
  1. Unlimited Fizzy Water
    Countless mugs of La Croix, "paired with ice."
  2. An "Updo of Your Choice"
    If you look good, you feel good, she says. @dena
  3. Lots of Sharpie-Drawn Get Well Cards
    Don't bother saving these because they've already left an indelible mark on the kitchen table.
  4. The "Once-In-A-While Dance Show"
    Don't be misled-this actually occurs every time she comes in the bedroom. It's a classic cabaret-style routine to Nat King Cole's L-O-V-E. One more time for the cheap seats!
  5. A Kick-Me Sign Taped To Your Back
    Seems cruel, but it's an opportunity to explain to her the difference between literal and figurative. As in, she is literally kicking you while you're down. #eachoneteachone
  6. A Lice Check
    This was a ruse; she just wanted to get close enough to stick the sign to my back.
  7. A "New and Trendier Phone Case?"
    This will be posed as a question, but is really more of a judgement. As in, "wouldn't you like a...?"