TO THE PROFITEERING A-HOLES BUYING ALL THE HATCHIMALS TO RESELL ON eBay, THEREBY RUINING CHRISTMAS:

I have words for you and would also like to know how you voted.
  1. My little girl doesn't ask for much-
  2. Last year, her Christmas list included "Sharpies and mints."
  3. This year, she's asked for a Hatchimal.
    MSRP $54.99
  4. It's like a real-life Tamagotchi.
  5. They were just in stores a few weeks ago.
  6. Now? Gone.
    Insert "dry lonesome wind" sound here ⬆️
  7. You can't find them anywhere,
  8. Except on eBay. For HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS.
  9. I can't Santa in these conditions.
  10. And I CAN'T "O. HENRY" MY WAY OUT OF IT, either! I have a long bob! Nobody wants that! Also, no expensive pocket watch given to me by my late grandfather!
    The only thing my grandfather ever gave me was a toy slot machine and a dollhouse that smelled like cigarettes.
  11. Find some behavior, America. Quit being so greedy. THINK OF THE CHILDREN.
    I wrote this pre-election— and, okay, I get it now. AMERICA DOES NOT CARE ABOUT THE CHILDREN.
  12. And if anyone reads this list, finds a Hatchimal in the wild, and, instead of this face in your mind, you see dollar signs? I hope you find a hair in your mashed potatoes. All your mashed potatoes. Forever.
    Real Talk Twenty-Sixteen