TO THE PROFITEERING A-HOLES BUYING ALL THE HATCHIMALS TO RESELL ON eBay, THEREBY RUINING CHRISTMAS:
I have words for you and would also like to know how you voted.
- •My little girl doesn't ask for much-
- •Last year, her Christmas list included "Sharpies and mints."
- •This year, she's asked for a Hatchimal.MSRP $54.99
- •It's like a real-life Tamagotchi.
- •They were just in stores a few weeks ago.
- •Now? Gone.Insert "dry lonesome wind" sound here ⬆️
- •You can't find them anywhere,
- •Except on eBay. For HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS.
- •I can't Santa in these conditions.
- •And I CAN'T "O. HENRY" MY WAY OUT OF IT, either! I have a long bob! Nobody wants that! Also, no expensive pocket watch given to me by my late grandfather!The only thing my grandfather ever gave me was a toy slot machine and a dollhouse that smelled like cigarettes.
- •Find some behavior, America. Quit being so greedy. THINK OF THE CHILDREN.I wrote this pre-election— and, okay, I get it now. AMERICA DOES NOT CARE ABOUT THE CHILDREN.
- •And if anyone reads this list, finds a Hatchimal in the wild, and, instead of this face in your mind, you see dollar signs? I hope you find a hair in your mashed potatoes. All your mashed potatoes. Forever.Real Talk Twenty-Sixteen