Inspired by @mallofamanda and @Grosstastic
  1. A Violet Crumble because this subscription box was originally based on "premium* candy not readily available in your area"
    * "premium" and "area" both subject to interpretation/contents may vary
  2. Hotel toiletries. The first few months, your box will include brands like Molton Brown and Le Labo...
    but by month seven it's those little ketchup packets of shampoo that remind you of what prison must be like.
  3. One medical bill
    The most realistic/immersive feature of your subscription. For an additional $5 per month, I will call every day and ask where the money is.
  4. A bespoke poem about how much I love you. A personalized ode.
    ...unless odes have to rhyme, in which case, forget it. Just know that each month, you will receive an exhaustive list of everything I hold in my heart for you. LENGTH OF LIST MAY VARY.
  5. A very small amount of my perfume so you can feel like I'm really there.
    Probably the best part of the box TBH, but it will make the chocolate taste like flowers. And midnight. ✨
  6. Five or six half-empty cans of LaCroix so you can feel like I'm really there.
    Hi 👋🏾
  7. Already-completed newspaper crosswords you can scatter around your house in order to intimidate your puzzle-loving friends and neighbors. And so you can feel like I'm really there.
  8. A framed photo of me looking like a crazy ex-girlfriend.