WHAT I SAID TO THE INEBRIATED ELDERLY COUPLE I RESCUED IN THE FRENCH QUARTER, RANKED BY HELPFULNESS

two eighty-somethings marooned on an island of drunkenness
  1. 16.
    I am here to help.
  2. 15.
    Should you put your shoes on?
  3. 14.
    I am not here to rob you.
  4. 13.
    No, I am not an angel.
  5. 12.
    Can I get you a cab?
  6. 11.
    I know you think you can make it a few more blocks but actually you have been leaning against this wall for a very long time and your wife has taken off her shoes.
  7. 10.
    I can carry your purse, or if it would make you more comfortable, you can carry your purse.
  8. 9.
    Tell you what-here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna walk. Yup. We've got four blocks. We can do this.
  9. 8.
    How about this: your husband carries your purse, I carry you.
  10. 7.
    I will not let you fall.
  11. 6.
    Lean on me.
  12. 5.
    Paige, I know you really love me. Thank you. It is really no problem. Listen though, since your shoes are still off, we should be really careful about where we step.
  13. 4.
    Teamwork makes the dream work!
  14. 3.
    The chair!! Slide the chair to me, the sitting process has already begun!
  15. 2.
    Yeah, I don't think y'all need any more to drink. Buy ME a drink? No. It's really fine. Maybe now that you're home, you just relax and unwind. You've had a big day.
  16. 1.
    That looks like pee. PAIGE! UP AND OVER.