WHAT I SAID TO THE INEBRIATED ELDERLY COUPLE I RESCUED IN THE FRENCH QUARTER, RANKED BY HELPFULNESS
two eighty-somethings marooned on an island of drunkenness
- 16.I am here to help.
- 15.Should you put your shoes on?
- 14.I am not here to rob you.
- 13.No, I am not an angel.
- 12.Can I get you a cab?
- 11.I know you think you can make it a few more blocks but actually you have been leaning against this wall for a very long time and your wife has taken off her shoes.
- 10.I can carry your purse, or if it would make you more comfortable, you can carry your purse.
- 9.Tell you what-here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna walk. Yup. We've got four blocks. We can do this.
- 8.How about this: your husband carries your purse, I carry you.
- 7.I will not let you fall.
- 6.Lean on me.
- 5.Paige, I know you really love me. Thank you. It is really no problem. Listen though, since your shoes are still off, we should be really careful about where we step.
- 4.Teamwork makes the dream work!
- 3.The chair!! Slide the chair to me, the sitting process has already begun!
- 2.Yeah, I don't think y'all need any more to drink. Buy ME a drink? No. It's really fine. Maybe now that you're home, you just relax and unwind. You've had a big day.
- 1.That looks like pee. PAIGE! UP AND OVER.