THE FIRST 24 HOURS OF HAVING AN IPHONE 6

I've never bought the latest brand new anything, because I'm cheap...until now.
  1. Why is this screen so big?
  2. Oh he has an iPhone 6. I should talk to him. Oh wait, no it's a Samsung. Never Mind. On all fronts, actually.
  3. Wow. I can actually see his entire screen from all the way over here.
  4. If I can clearly see his screen from all the way over here...then that means...shit.
  5. Everyone can tell that I don't know where I am bc they can see the map on my big ass screen on my expensive ass phone a block away. ..I'm gonna get jacked, huh.
  6. This phone is amplifying my midget thumb complex.
  7. This phone feels remedial. Or geriatric. Like I had to get the magnified version.
  8. Is it distinctly American to equate bigger with better? Is this phone my slice of the American pie? But are mine eyes bigger than my stomach? Have I been duped, bamboozled, hoodwinked into keeping up with the proverbial Rockefellers? Ugh it took two hands to type that.
  9. I have to text with my index finger, like my mom. This is stupid.
  10. This is why I can't have nice things.