MY DAD'S CATCHPHRASES

My dad is in town and staying with us for a week. He's a great dad and a wonderful journalist and he has been using these same phrases for my entire life. Imagine this guy in the trenches of Libya interviewing guerrilla militants. He used to do that.
  1. "Well I'll be."
    When he's flabbergasted.
  2. "Jambalaya dontcha know"
    This man loves Cajun food and he simply cannot say the word jambalaya without adding the rest of this phrase. To be said in a questionable Cajun accent. This drives me absolutely crazy and comes up way more than you think it would.
  3. "Well. I tell ya."
    When he's ready to leave wherever he is or stop talking to whoever he's talking to.
  4. "I have fat fingers."
    He is oddly self conscious about this. He doesn't actually have fat fingers. He has finger dysmorphia.
  5. "Good night!"
    This is an exclamation for when something astounds him. NOT for when going to bed.
  6. "Nighty night! Don't let them bed bugs bite!"
    This is for going to bed.
  7. "Did you see her feet?!"
    My dad has a problem with women's feet. He isn't INTO them. He HATES them. He delights in pointing out the flawed feet of beautiful women. For instance, he really enjoyed the movie Age of Adaline but could not get past the size of Blake Lively's feet in a bedroom scene.
  8. "My door is open, my mouth is shut."
    His philosophy for parenting. But also could you please just tell me what to do? I'm a dumb baby.
  9. "Tu non sai chi sono io!"
    This Kentuckian speaks Italian! This phrase is reserved for times when he cannot get a table at a restaurant or a movie is sold out and he can't get tickets. Rough translation "You don't know who I am!" Like he's a jerky Italian celebrity.
  10. "It was too slow."
    His response to every single movie he's ever watched.
  11. "Gotta go feed the hog."
    This is what he says when he's about to eat a meal.
  12. "Goddammit John!"
    I hear him mutter this to himself 20 times a day when he drops something or can't get the touch screen on his phone to work. Ironically this is what I heard my father's father shout at my grandmother constantly as a child. There is a joke that still plays in my family that my Nonna's name was "Goddammit Pat."
  13. "This is a Hollywood song!"
    What he shouted to the crowd at my wedding when it came time for our father-daughter dance. We chose to dance to Randy Newman's 'Short People' as a goof. To this day I am not sure what that means or why he shouted it. I think he labels anything that makes him uncomfortable as "Hollywood."