MY EVENING WITH THE DEATH TIGERS
A true account of one woman's harrowing experience. Me. I'm the woman.
- •The Death Tigers are a real mean girl gangThere are two members, Maddy and Nahli. One is six years old and the other is eight. These are the prime ages for Death Tiger domination. Their bodies are strong, their minds are sharp, and their teeth are too.
- •They're half tiger, half dragon, and half bloodThis is a combination that, despite its mathematical inaccuracy, instills fear into the hearts of many. How can they be three halves? Evil. That's how.
- •I was accosted while conversing in the kitchenThe Death Tigers run wild in the streets of Orlando. They creep through the suburbs like trick-or-treaters. They sneak through open doors like roaches. They feast off the blood of young women like me.
- •I was lured into a trapOn first appearance, the Death Tigers look like sweet little girls. Multi-colored pineapple print dresses and nail polish and missing teeth. This is all a ruse and a nasty surprise awaits those who follow.
- •"Wanna have a tea party?"This is absolute bullshit and these mean girls know it. There's no tea and there's no party.
- •I was handcuffedA purple hair tie was all it took to subdue me. But it didn't stop there. They insisted on restraining me with a belt around the arms and a shirt tied around my ankles.
- •The games beginThreats of being eaten. Threats of having my guts ripped out and hung on the wall like a prize. Threats of never seeing my family again. These crazy women were relentless in their psychological torture.
- •Classical music was playedMozart is very unsettling when played on an electronic piano while two tiny demons plot how best to devour your body.
- •I was offered food to plump me upThe only thing they fed me was uncooked make-believe spaghetti out of a toy box. I began to weep. I began to plan. The great escape was growing nigh.
- •One of them left the dungeonThis is where they made their mistake. The one in the dress was soft and I could sense it. I made a run for it while she tried to read the label of a fake can of cherries. Her reading skills were lacking and I knew it would be my only chance.
- •The door was lockedI was able to unlock it despite my shackles. I screamed for help. The one in pants returned and they both howled their Death Tiger howls as they crawled all over me, gnashing and chomping. I made my way free and ran down the stairs where I was greeted by my family. Gasps. Shrieks. Sighs. They couldn't believe my state.
- •The Death Tigers attacked my familyThe earth shattering howls of the Death Tigers reverberated through the house.
- •Nana said "That's enough girls."But that wasn't enough. They continued to attempt to hypnotize me with a red flag the rest of the evening. At one point I was almost lured into their lair yet again. But I was strong now. I was changed. I was busy.
- •We played a board gameThis part was fun. Eventually the one in the dress went home because it was bedtime.