MY MORNING ROUTINE

  1. Wake up
    The birds peck at my eyes until I open them. Husband rolls lovingly over and kills at least two birds. I gently caress remaining bird and say "Don't worry. They weren't your real friends."
  2. Go back to sleep
    Two dead birds = snooze button. I drift off for another four hours, dreaming of men giving birth in strange military camps. Not giving birth to humans. No. Giving birth to horses. I am comforted and awed.
  3. Wake up
    The last bird flies out of the cave. He forgot to wake me up again. Now it is three in the afternoon. I need to get a new cell phone today because I lost my last one in the cave somewhere. Husband has vanished.
  4. Scream
    There must be a reason for this but my lack of self awareness prevents me from acknowledging it.
  5. Make toast
    First I make bread. Then I roast it on a flame outside the cave. It's looking like rain today so I need to get my toast made before the rain comes and puts out my fire. I see husband in the distance making a business call. Oh wait he's using my cell phone. I no longer need a new one. I just need him to quit using my minutes up on his stupid job. He doesn't need a job. We live in a cave. It is now six in the evening.
  6. Sunset
    It was a beautiful day. The night falls and all the creatures come out of hiding. I have to cover up my toast and hide it in a cave hole or else the wolves will eat it. Remember dead birds in bed. Clean up.
  7. Feed wolves
    I prepare bird toast for the wolves. They devour it quickly but are not fully satiated. I notice an unsettling look in the gray one's eye. Where is husband now?
  8. Find husband
    He is using up all my data looking at a Reddit AMA with Vern Troyer. I am upset. Allow wolf to dismember husband.
  9. Play solitaire on phone
    It is now midnight, judging by the position of the moon. I am alone. What have I done? What have I done? Will I have enough toast for tomorrow? I do not want to make a whole other loaf of bread.
  10. Fall asleep
    This was a hard day.