THINGS PEOPLE SAY TO SOMEONE WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS

Or things very well meaning people say to me. I try not to talk about my health as an act of self preservation and/or social decency but it inevitably comes up in conversation from time to time. This might be sad.
  1. Have you tried coconut oil?
    Oh boy.
  2. Have you tried acupuncture?
    Chinese, Japanese, Kiiko style, moxa? Because yes. All.
  3. At least you're still thin.
    That's because I'm ill. But yeah, I guess it's cool I can't absorb nutrients. Also fuck off forever.
  4. Your skin looks great!
    Thank you.
  5. Have you tried hypnotherapy?
    Every night when I strain and pray for sleep I picture a healing golden light enveloping my body and beaming me up to a place where nothing hurts. I saw a woman in a strip mall near the School for Hypnotherapy and a man down the street who healed himself after being hit by a semi as a child.
  6. So your stomach hurts all the time right?
    No.
  7. I know a lady who grows herbs out of her hands. You should see her.
    I've seen her.
  8. You should try ayahuasca.
    Probably.
  9. You still can't drink?
    No. And I won't. Ever. Again. And yes that does suck let's keep talking about it.
  10. Have you tried cutting out dairy/gluten/caffeine/fodmaps/histamines/oxalates?
    Let me tell you about the four months I ate only cabbage and lamb.
  11. Maybe you have Lyme disease.
    AWESOME.
  12. What did your doctor say?
    The functional MD told me to take Valium for a year and I'd be healed. The specialist told me she doesn't know. The other specialist didn't know. The other specialist said it was stress. All the tests say nothing is wrong. The Chinese herbalist said I'm imbalanced. The homeopath said I have unresolved anger. The therapist said my voice isn't being heard. The one MD agreed to try something experimental. The GP asked if I'd tried baking soda. The PT said its not structural. The LLMD is nuts.
  13. Have you tried pot?
    It's been keeping me alive for the past year. I love you California.
  14. It can't be that bad! You're so active!
    If I don't stay busy I focus on the pain. If I focus on the pain I panic. If I panic I cannot continue. I usually can't cry in public. And there's a reason I invest so much of my time in comedy.
  15. I didn't know anything was wrong!
    I'm good at this.
  16. My mom has something like that and she can never leave the house.
    I'm sorry. That's awful. I am terrified that will happen to me again too.
  17. You should see my healer.
    Ok.
  18. You're going to get better.
    I love you.