UPON RETURNING TO THE SOUTH

  1. Ma'am and sir
    I can't stop this. In LA or NY I would never dare. Imagine the fury a "ma'am" would incite on a subway. Here, I call anyone working in a store or service position ma'am. Even teenagers.
  2. Y'all
    Help this is coming out of my mouth like some sort of Faulkneresque vomit.
  3. The pitch of my voice rises 10 degrees
    It's the same thing that happens when I try to be polite to customer service people on the phone. It says "I'm just sweet gentle flower y'all. Yes sir I would like to cancel my Time Warner cable. No sir I would not like to hear about your deals, bless your heart."
  4. Deeply crave Dairy Queen
    Like a healthy. Fat free. Healthy. Blizzard.
  5. My skin returns to glory
    Humidity is the only thing that makes my face happy. I belong here. My body belongs here. I don't even have to moisturize anything. It's a miracle.
  6. Everything smells like Nicorette
    My aunt Cathy. I really love this smell. I worked once with a curmudgeonly actor and instantly loved him because he chewed Nicorette and I always associate that with being safe and happy with my family.
  7. My family doesn't lock any doors
    Not car doors. Not house doors. Nope.
  8. Lily Pulitzer
    Dear lord what is this pastel disaster and how did it get on my person?
  9. There's a tv on in every room
    Even in the middle of the night.
  10. Thunderstorms
    I'm in one right now. It's the best. Falling asleep to the sound of rain hitting the roof. Getting caught in the rain on a run and walking into the blast of cold AC at home. Everything is green and lush and I don't feel bad about taking a too-long shower.
  11. Recycling
    What is it?
  12. Winn Dixie has an organic section
    Everything I know is wrong.