MY DAD'S PARTY JOKES

My dad is the king of dad humor. Some of these are groan-worthy but can get some cheap laughs if someone puts you on the spot for a joke. Feel free to add your own.
  1. I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
  2. A Mexican magician told his audience he would disappear on the count of three. "Uno, dos..." And then he disappeared, without a tres.
  3. So a dyslexic walks into a bra...
  4. Why did the cow win an award? Cause he was out standing in his field.
  5. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, seemed very important to him that I have it.
  6. A man came home to find his wife packing. She said, "I'm leaving you! I found out you're a pedophile!" The man said "Pff, pretty big word for a 12 year old."
  7. What is E.T. short for? Cause he's only got little legs.
  8. Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do you want a shot?" Descartes says "I don't think so." Then POOF, he disappears.
  9. What's the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer? The taste.
  10. What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh.
  11. Have you heard about the whiskey diet? It's incredible. I've lost three days already.
  12. A new client visits a lawyer's office and asks "Can you tell me how much you charge?" "Of course" says the lawyer, "I charge $600 to answer three questions." "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" "Yes it is" said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
  13. What's green and has wheels? Grass. I was just kidding about the wheels part.