REASONS I SHOULD BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE

  1. 1.
    I'm not an insane person and I'm not just trying to get on Dancing With the Stars.
  2. 2.
    I live in a major metropolitan area that most of these men probably are re-locating to anyway.
  3. 3.
    My talking head interviews would play to the crowd. The audience would know I'd be "in" on the joke. But eventually irony would wear off into a comfortable embracing of the ridiculous.
  4. 4.
    I've always wanted to get all my boyfriends together in one room and propose a toast.
  5. 5.
    I'd sleep with everyone.
  6. 6.
    I absolutely cannot walk in heels. Their bloopers reel would be next level.
  7. 7.
    I could probably send half the men home the first night by snap judgments out of the limo.
  8. 8.
    Most one-on-one dates would just be couples therapy or me going through their exes' Instagram.
  9. 9.
    I could get though a rose ceremony in 30 seconds.
  10. 10.
    Chris Harrison and I would have like, 100 inside jokes by the end of the season. ("Bro-down, am I right, Chris?? Lol!")
  11. 11.
    I'd sleep with everyone.
  12. 12.
    For a group date I'd make the men re-enact the Backstreet Boys' "Everybody" video
  13. 13.
    I'd be there for the right reasons, but also enough wrong reasons that I'd make for great TV.
  14. 14.
    I know when to leave a mic on. ;-)
  15. 15.
    For the two-on-one date I'd make the three of us perform "No Exit" by Sartre.
  16. 16.
    I'd give a puppy to every man I sent home.
  17. 17.
    I'm at my best in a honeymoon suite.
  18. 18.
    I know descriptive adjectives besides "amazing" "funny" and "cool"
  19. 19.
    None of my dates would be in a fucking hot air balloon.
  20. 20.
    I'd treat the whole experience like my own Stanford prison experiment.
  21. 21.
    I'd sleep with everyone.