1. I'm not an insane person and I'm not just trying to get on Dancing With the Stars.
  2. I live in a major metropolitan area that most of these men probably are re-locating to anyway.
  3. My talking head interviews would play to the crowd. The audience would know I'd be "in" on the joke. But eventually irony would wear off into a comfortable embracing of the ridiculous.
  4. I've always wanted to get all my boyfriends together in one room and propose a toast.
  5. I'd sleep with everyone.
  6. I absolutely cannot walk in heels. Their bloopers reel would be next level.
  7. I could probably send half the men home the first night by snap judgments out of the limo.
  8. Most one-on-one dates would just be couples therapy or me going through their exes' Instagram.
  9. I could get though a rose ceremony in 30 seconds.
  10. Chris Harrison and I would have like, 100 inside jokes by the end of the season. ("Bro-down, am I right, Chris?? Lol!")
  11. I'd sleep with everyone.
  12. For a group date I'd make the men re-enact the Backstreet Boys' "Everybody" video
  13. I'd be there for the right reasons, but also enough wrong reasons that I'd make for great TV.
  14. I know when to leave a mic on. ;-)
  15. For the two-on-one date I'd make the three of us perform "No Exit" by Sartre.
  16. I'd give a puppy to every man I sent home.
  17. I'm at my best in a honeymoon suite.
  18. I know descriptive adjectives besides "amazing" "funny" and "cool"
  19. None of my dates would be in a fucking hot air balloon.
  20. I'd treat the whole experience like my own Stanford prison experiment.
  21. I'd sleep with everyone.