HOW TO BE THE HUGH GLASS OF YOUR OPEN CONCEPT OFFICE

The Revenant is more relevant to your every day life than you think...
  1. Camp gets attacked (someone sets up their work station right beside you even though there's a spot open 2 desks over)
    Defend yourself & flee. Let your garbage pile up on their side of the desk and then request a desk change.
  2. Power struggle with Fitzgerald (you disagree with a coworker on whether the window should be open or closed)
    Don't back down. You sit closer to the window anyway so do what you want BB.
  3. Mauled by the bear (someone tears a strip off you to the boss with full knowledge that you can hear every word)
    Cling to the hope of a promotion - it's painful right now but you'll come out on top in the end. Leo carried around those bear claws and you're gonna carry around a Birkin while that traitor colleague clings to their messenger bag from Target.
  4. Your son gets murdered (the project you've worked on for months gets scrapped by your nemesis)
    Allow yourself to mourn the work and then resolve to get your revenge: aka that promotion you were hoping for in the previous bullet.
  5. Abandoned in the wilderness (you carpool to Swiss Chalet for lunch and they leave without you when you go to the bathroom)
    Be resourceful: walk, run, get an Uber.
  6. Swept by rapids over a waterfall (someone makes fun of you for doing your eyeliner at your desk and it turns into a full out roast of your millennial ways)
    Ride the wave. Have a laugh. Listen to the new Rihanna album and pity your baby boomer co-workers for missing out on the magic.
  7. Blizzard Times (someone is shamelessly yelling at their boyfriend on the phone and it's giving you a stress headache)
    Look for an ally. Send an IM to your funniest co-worker about how annoying the situation is and let their hilarious insights soothe your soul.
  8. Horse Fort (someone has a gross smelling lunch and you don't know how to escape if)
    Keep a scarf sprayed with your fave perfume at your desk for emergencies like this. Wrap yourself in it to diffuse the smell.