MILLENNIAL BEATITUDES

  1. Blessed are the poor in spirit animals
    For that is an offensive term that no one should be using anyways
  2. Blessed are they who mourn the 90s
    For they will be comforted by endless Facebook memes
  3. Blessed are the Meek Mills
    For they shall inherit the key to Nicki's heart
  4. Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for free wifi
    For they shall be satisfied by Starbucks all over the world
  5. Blessed are the artisanal
    For they shall obtain Instagram sponsorships
  6. Blessed are the Melissa Joan Harts
    For they shall see a resurgence in residual checks as ABC Family plays Sabrina the Teenage Witch reruns for the rest of eternity
  7. Blessed are the app makers
    For they shall be called by long lost family members looking for money at least once a week
  8. Blessed are those who are persecuted for their love of boy bands
    For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.