STEFON'S CLUB RECOMMENDATIONS, RANKED

From amazing to MOST amazing.
  1. Maaary!
    Description: Opened in 1997 by missing Florida woman Lisa Martinez, this club is currently going 90 miles per hour down the West Side Highway. What it has: Charts, graphs, Powerpoint, a guy who still thinks Jamba Juice is good for you. And if you liked Russell Crowe in Les Misérables, you might want to hear Jasper the gorilla pass a kidney stone!
  2. Your Mother and I Are Separating
    Description: Don’t be fooled by the charred Red Lobster sign out front; this club is a burned-down Red Lobster. What it has: A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, a sensible dinner, those shoes that nurses wear – and you can dance the night away to the sounds of Donald Duck having a Vietnam nightmare.
  3. Uhhhhh
    Description: Located in the middle of the West Side Highway, this bi-curious beach party is the creation of Italian club owner Baloney Danza. What it has: Split kicks, pachucos, pile after pile of expired lunchables, a Hawaiian cleaning lady who looks like Smokey Robinson.
  4. Taste
    Description: Nightlife designer Tranny Griffith is back with an all-new club that answers the question, “Huh?!” Don’t look for a bouncer – there isn’t one. Instead, the door’s guarded by 10 jacked homeless guys in old-fashioned bathing suits. What it has: Ice sculptures, winos, Germfs – German smurfs – a Teddy Ruxpin wearing mascara, an old lady wearing Kid ‘N Play hair, and none other than DJ Baby Bok Choy (a giant 300-pound Chinese baby who wears tinted aviator glasses).
  5. Ounce
    Location: in the middle of the East River What it has: Cholos, cute people, a sheepdog that looks like Bruce Vilanch, an entire room of puppets doing karate.
  6. Scampi
    Description: Illegally parked behind the Statue of Liberty, this hate-speech haven is a creation of frat boy guru D-Bag Chopra. What it has: Zip drives, gozers, Ke$ha.
  7. Wesh
    Description: Nine-year-old Tokyo pimp Ichiaku Guru is back with an all new hotspot that answers the question, “WHAT?!” What it has: Trance, stilts, throw-up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powter, Teddy Graham people.
  8. Kevin?
    Description: Opened at gunpoint in a Lady Footlocker, this Long Island cold spot is managed by infamous gay running back Blowjay Simpson. What is has: Soda, purple stuff, Sunny D, a VIP room for football jellyfish (when football players with dreads wear helmets and their heads look like jellyfish).
  9. Twice
    Description: Don’t be thrown off when you’re greeted at the door by a rabbi that looks like Joaquin Phoenix – you’re in the right place. Also, it’s owned by Robert Blake. What it has: Gauze, carnival barkers, groups of guys with afros in graduation caps.
  10. Thank You!
    Description: Located inside a crashing blimp, this Eurotrash utopia is the creation of beatnik doctor Soul Patch Adams. What it has: Zip lines, fish food, that fat Hawaiian guy that no one invited, an old Pakistani woman that looks like a California Raisin.
  11. Slash
    What it has: Glass, steam, bear traps, and just when you think the fun is over – knock knock, who’s there? It’s Black George Washington!
  12. Wee Little Baby
    Description: Opened in 1709 by black Irish comedian Sinbad O’Connor, this lunatic landmark earned the Health Department’s first-ever “J” rating. What it has: Freckles, potato people, a room full of Heprechauns (leprechauns with hep c).
  13. Spicy
    Description: Opened in 2017 on the Upper East Side of a dumpster, this 24-hour bitchfest is the creation of club owner/rabbi Jew Diamond Phillips. What it has: Sand worms, geishas, rock-eaters, a seven level course in adult education. And if you want to relax, you can kick back in your very own subway sleeping bag (when you're on the train and you sit between two people wearing FUBU jackets).