MEMORABLE BAD DATES

None of these are my husband. (OR ARE THEY?*) *they're not
  1. Guy takes me to Subway and punches his own palm angrily as he describes his ex.
  2. Guy invites me over and makes "chicken Parmesan" by microwaving circular frozen chicken patties and putting sauce on them.
  3. Guy shows me the VHS tape of a pageant he won in high school.
  4. Guy tells me I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had. The only other one was addicted to crack cocaine.
  5. Guy asks me to come along and meet a girl he likes.
  6. Guy is not a guy but is my cat watching silently while I eat totinos pizza.