Advice and lessons for what to expect when the baby is born. Aka maternity leave.
  1. Enjoy the first two weeks when your spouse is home, watch the entirety of Friday Night Lights and stare at your peaceful bag of goo.
  2. If you are up reading lists in the middle of the night, hunched over a boppy breastfeeding, try plopping that baby in the bed next to you. Your back will thank you.
  3. Maternity leave isn't vacation plus cute baby time. It's hard. Don't keep waiting for things to get easier. If your war-torn body will allow it, go for a walk every day.
  4. Life isn't everything it was before, only now there's also a cute baby. The cute baby causes other things in your life to completely disappear. Not on hold, gone. The sooner you accept this, the better. This is the new you.
  5. None of the cute items from your registry will help you when the baby won't fall asleep. Fuck you, perfect stroller liner.
  6. Longest shortest time and One Bad Mother are amazing podcasts, but also won't help when the baby wakes up again.
  7. Take all the help you can get, don't worry that you haven't showered and you and your house are completely disgusting.
  8. Don't be afraid to tell people to gtfo after they bring you a tray of food.
  9. Shower and/or go outside every day.
  10. Tv time and the important of the absence of it isn't really a thing for the first three months. Your baby can't see colors or farther than 12" in front of its face. Allow yourself this small pleasure, you will be a great parent.
  11. Tell everyone how you really feel. It sucks and people should not be surprised when it happens to them.
  12. Your baby will start to give back around six months. It's ok to feel like maybe this whole thing was a mistake for a while.
  13. I couldn't wait for mine to get older. She will only be a helpless bag of goo for a short time in he scheme of things, "Don't wish it away".
  14. Your baby will eventually be 9-12 and 12-18 months old. Those sizes are likely on sale right now and will be seasonally appropriate. There, something to do outside the house.
  15. There are pelvic floor support groups on facebook
  16. Tummy time is also not a thing for the first few weeks, so enjoy that.
  17. Mirrors are a baby's best friend.
  18. Don't worry about wearing your maternity pants. Really don't worry about anything. This time is as much to take care of yourself as it is your baby.
  19. Fed is best. If breastfeeding, try to look for a lactation group. If formula feeding, you get to share night feedings for the next year, so kudos.
  20. If you're lucky, you have a healthy baby and enjoy maternity leave.
  21. If you're lucky, you have a difficult baby and will enjoy going back to work.