if my cat came with a "what to expect in the future" guide...

...it would look something like this:
  1. 1.
    You will never be able to wear black again
    so much fucking fur. everywhere. #longhairDOcare
  2. 2.
    He'll figure out how to open doors
    good luck keeping him in/out of places (ie: roommate's rooms). and good luck sleeping while he spends 30 min trying to open a locked door.
  3. 3.
    If you fail to feed him whenever the H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS he wants then he will tear down everything on your walls
    ripped posters for days. and he'll look you right in the eye while he does the deed.
  4. 4.
    Your laptop will 100% be his bed
    especially when you're trying to finish important work
  5. 5.
    Anything you don't want him to use as a bed will become his bed
    face, black sweatshirt (see #1), on top of cabinets so you can't reach him, etc.
  6. 6.
    The Craigslist woman you met in a Walmart parking lot to retrieve said cat will be wrong about his sex
    Roo was a girl for three months. #toteshadballs #bigfurryones
  7. 7.
    He'll have some OCD thing where the scratches the side of his litter box for ten minutes after he's done doing his business
    who needs sleep anyway?
  8. 8.
    If he pukes he will make sure it's on your new white rug
    my fault for buying a white rug?
  9. 9.
    He'll kill flies
    sometimes, unless he gets bored with them
  10. 10.
    He will beg for food like a dog
    so when you're drunkenly enjoying your deli sami and Doritos at 4am he will steal the food out of your fingers/mouth
  11. 11.
    Your friends will like him better than you
    This might be a me problem?
  12. 12.
    He'll know when you're about to walk through the door and will greet you occasionally
    😻😻😻
  13. 13.
    When you're getting dressed he'll look at you like "maybe you didn't need that taco bell for breakfast, amanda"
    or so it seems like that's what his face is saying
  14. 14.
    He'll look majestic af
    #notabadthing
  15. 15.
    If you try to take him somewhere on the subway, he will get scared and pee everywhere.
    that was awkward. my b for getting a canvas pet carrier? #peeweeherman
  16. 16.
    In the rare case that a potential mating partner is staying over, said cat will refuse to leave the bedroom
    unsure if he's overprotective, territorial, or just fucking annoying
  17. 17.
    When you're away for the weekend you'll actually start to miss that bastard
    he's a pretty cool guy