STUCK IN MY WAYS
Inspired by @AlexandraLouise and her "Things I'll Never Be". I loved this honest and open list idea, though slightly tweaked and more about what I can't help.
- •Cry when I'm frustratedIt's my body's natural reaction to a surge of anxiety and stress. I hate that it happens. I absolutely hate it. It makes me feel weak. I'd rather be able to tip my chin up and put on that look that people perceive as bravery, but I can't.
- •Listen to a new song I found and love on repeat for days until I move on from itThis is typically pop music with horribly catchy melodies and repeating choruses, with enough of a challenge to figure out the lyrics that it gets stuck in my head. Example: "Jealous", "Love Myself", etc.
- •Miss my parentsYou know how you have that one thing that you can think of and it has the ability to shake your core no matter where you're laying on the emotional spectrum? This is mine. I don't know why but when they aren't close I always miss them to the saddest of points. I can't even really think about a world they're not in, I'll probably die too.
- •Visiting my inner childI do this with movies, music, memories, books, trips to theme parks, aquariums, anything I can get my hands on really. I love to have fun and keep my childhood innocence intact. I can adult up just fine when I have to but it's nice to be able to go back to a place where I've sheltered my innocence from the world.
- •Cave during fightsI want to fight for a purpose. I have no patience to argue if it's going nowhere and I can tell pretty early on if it's even worth opening my mouth over. There has to be a greater good, an understanding that is the end outcome, a reason. But honestly, I'd just rather not fight at all. Especially about daylight savings time when your brain isn't processing the word "gaining" correctly.
- •Feeling out of placeSometimes I really get the feeling that I was made for another lifetime. I don't know if I've always felt this way or it came from my social surroundings in high school or what. Sometimes I just feel really awkward. But the type of awkward that comes with no fucks given. It's somewhat of a contradiction and makes no sense to anyone but me. I'm weird. I can't help it.
- •Being logical when I feel emotionalAs I get older I've really been trying to figure out the way to balance this to form it into the adjective of "soft". I'm nowhere near it yet. I try. My brain doesn't trust as easily as my heart does so it's natural reaction is to distract my heart with "what ifs" and "hey, remember the last time you felt that way?" It's like an internal 6 hour tennis match.
- •Give even though I know I've been taken for grantedI somehow manage to justify this even though I shouldn't. I give people too many chances. I care way too much. I'll bend over backwards for people I love, even if they don't really deserve it. My mom once said to me that there's a special place in heaven for those with a giving and patient heart like mine, I sure hope she's right since it sure can be hell down here.
- •Say I don't need help even if I doI'm independent. I like being able to help myself. I can lift heavy stuff, no problem. "I got it". "Don't worry about it, I can do it". "I'm okay, but thank you". I've gotten a lot better at asking if I do need help but I'm not completely helpless. In a perfect world someone would be able to just sense that I do and not ask and just help. Maybe they're out there somewhere.
- •Be a dreamerI'm a romantic at heart. I dream about things and the way I wish they would be. I imagine what life is going to be like. I wax poetically, silently to myself about how I want to feel. Tiny, small, short moments imagined in my head where I get a burst of a feeling I wish I felt all the time. I'm not sure if this will ever change but I sure as hell can't help but do it now.