Requested by Chris Cady

THE "MEN IN BLACK" MEMORY ERASER FOR...

My entire life is one huge embarrassment I'd like to forget. But let's go in to the specifics, shall we?
  1. Seventh Grade (1997-1998)
    I had one friend. I gained 25lbs. I started wearing two sports bras every day. I was bullied by boys and girls. I spent most of my time in AOL chat rooms. So much in fact that my mom used parental blocks to kick me off after I had been online for so long.
  2. That time I sat on a piece of pizza at my friend's slumber party and burnt myself.
    Also laughed so hard milk came out my nose the same night. No wonder i didn't have many friends.
  3. A relationship that should've lasted 3 months.
    But was actually on and off for about six years. I don't regret it but I'm glad that it's over.
  4. Ripping my big toenail off with a closet door.
    It's the reason I occasionally sleep with socks on. Or spend an absurd amount of time trying to find a comfortable position where the sheets don't rub my nail.
  5. When my boss at the ice cream place grazed my ass multiple times "by accident."
    I was 16. He was later arrested for touching little kids at his church.
  6. Watching some dickhole who worked the buffet at a hotel yell at my dad for getting me bacon, just because it wasn't part of the "continental breakfast."
    It was in West Virginia. That says a lot. I was probably 7 when it happened. That shit still makes me sad when I think about it.
  7. My complete lack of chill towards EVERY guy I've ever liked.
    I'm still kind of tweaking that but I'm good for the most part. At least, at this point I've learned how to internalize mostly all of it.