YOU WANNA SURVIVE A HORROR MOVIE?

Cool.. Let me give you some tips.
  1. there's truth in numbers
    when you can stick together, do it. there's no point going out alone and being a fucking hero when you don't have to be (isn't that some kind of rule?) because you'll die. at least this way you can brainstorm and form a plan on escape.
  2. never get caught in a place you can't get out of
    this means no running up or down stairs. always be looking for the nearest exit. hiding under and behind things will only be okay until the killer uses his super sense of hearing and realizes how heavy you are breathing, hearing your sobs, and locate you. your main goal is to get as far away as possible. never stop to bang on doors for help, no one will ever answer.
  3. anything can be a weapon
    the truth is you're going to have to defend yourself because you aren't going to be perfectly healthy and able to get away as fast as you think you can. instead you'll need to be able to find something to beat them off with. you should never have to stop to use your weapon but you do what you can with what you have. sticks, something you made because you are clever, traps, ANYTHING. if you get far enough away you'll have time to calm down & prepare for when they come for you, cause they will.
  4. it really is a battle of the sexes
    let's be clear, i am not saying this because i am a chick but generally my sex is the one left standing at the end of the movie (even if she is screaming like a fucking lunatic for 20 minutes). men are a threat so they're the first to go. you can use a man's brute force to help yourself but never, ever, ever, ever, ever, eeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr (hey did i say ever?) have sex with each other. YOU ARE STAMPING YOURSELF FOR DEATH. so don't fucking do it.
  5. ok but really... no sex
    look, i get the idea of dying by maniac is romantic BUT KEEP IT IN YOUR FUCKING PANTS. it's not that hard. well it can be for you guys cause we're panting and our chests are heaving and before you know it you're pushed against each other in a tight space (hey, i already said you need to get the fuck out so why are you in that space) and you just can't help yourself. ladies, take charge. men can only think with one head at a time. so, if you want to live and be the bitch in this movie don't fuck.
  6. always be alert
    this means no drugs, alcohol, sleeping, NOTHING. FREDDY COULD BE COMING FOR YOU you don't want to give your attacker the advantage of finding you in any kind of stupor. find energy drinks, take some aderall. KEEP FUCKING ALERT. there will be plenty of time to celebrate and sleep it off while you recover in a hospital bed. plus, doctors always have the best drugs so holding off on the chronic until you're safe isn't such a bad idea.
  7. always be alert, part two
    besides not being drunk or high or asleep you should always be alert of what is going on AROUND YOU. turn the fucking lights on, check the fucking back seats, FIND A FUCKING FLASHLIGHT. you need to be aware of what is going on around you. you can't forget your situation for a second (no matter how attractive the guy/girl is you're with) and you need to realize that the killer has probably already thought about what you're going to do and is five steps ahead of you. be clever. be creative.
  8. lastly, don't be afraid to die
    the whole point of this is to survive but honestly if you are afraid of dying the entire time, more than likely that's what's going to happen. just because you can't be the hero doesn't mean you can't be brave and take chances at saving yourself. no one ever got anywhere hiding in a closet. every good survivor knows that there are always risks to reaching their goals. be willing to take the chance and it might be the best choice you ever made. you can only stay safe for so long.