THINGS I LEARNED WORKING IN WRIGLEY

I worked in wrigley for two and a half years when the Cubs were terrible. Who knows, things probably changed this year. Whatever, I'm not bitter. Go Cubs, go!
  1. Drunk people will intentionally throw bones from chicken wings onto the floor.
  2. Never sit on furniture that cannot be easily wiped down.
    In our private party area two summers ago, a bachelor party hired a stripper, that, when I went to bring the bartender another bottle of goose, was using something called a "drilldo."
  3. Dudes who drink IPAs in wrigley are dicks
    Dude, you're partying in wrigley. You are better than no one. Drink a coors lite and shut up.
  4. If you are a woman and you want free drinks, COME TO THIS AREA
    It's such a sausage fest that if you are trolling for the D and you're a girl, IVE GOT NEWS FOR YOU
  5. It is possible to get kicked out of wrigley for being too drunk
    And then you don't realize how drunk they are, serve them jon dalys, and then one WILL GRAB YOUR FACE. He will proceed to get kicked out and his friend will tip you in the form of a Kerry wood garden gnome.
  6. You may get asked if you do pornography.
    For the record, I don't? But like. Outside of a porn convention, why would you ask anyone that, ever?
  7. Drunk people will try to steal anything
    50-pound Concrete floor tiles, anyone?
  8. A man will try to get you to go home with him for $10.25
    Because $11 is too much
  9. Opening day is a shit show
    I stepped on an 8-ball of Coke and a guy peed on the bar in front of me within 5 minutes of each other
  10. Large groups of lesbians love pools
    Even when it's 50 degrees outside. I literally have no idea where that one came from, other than THIS HAPPENING EIGHT TIMES
  11. People will literally smack your ass or grab your boob
    Drunk men are more likely to do the former, women, the latter.
  12. Rain delays will be the longest, best money shifts you will ever have
    On an opening shift (8:30am) I worked until 4:30 without a break, even to pee. Waitressing changed my willpower for the better but broke my body.
  13. People in Chicago love to drink outside, even if it is 45 degrees outside
  14. St Patrick's day is no fucking joke
    I saw a man BREAK A BOTTLE OF JAMESON OVER ANOTHER GUY'S HEAD. I saw a man shit his pants and get carried down three flights of stairs by two security guys and two Chicago PD officers.
  15. Sometimes you're just over it
    We were out of Heineken, there was a citrus freeze and we were out of limes, and a customer was not happy. "Ugh, what DO you have to offer?" "Well, I have a degree in political science and childbearing hips, but in terms of drinks, do you want draft beer or bottle?"
  16. Someone will have the gall to ask you for water after knocking over a tray you have put over your head with NINE GLASSES OF WATER on it
    I am still pissed about this and it has been almost two and a half years
  17. If you want something, ask your waitress. You never know. The best things I carried in my apron were Advil and a portable power charge
    💲💲💲 for basic needs