That Time I Got a Massage High

@theranman @ladyboss this is for you
  1. I found a crazy deal for the Ritz + airfare to Jamaica...
    seriously, like unbelievable, it was travelzoo's first year or so of existing and we thought it might be a scam, but it checked out.
  2. It was 2003, and a ragtag group of friends committed to joining me....including my best guy friend.
  3. (Just a week or two before I'd had a dramatic realization that I was in love with him.)
    This was a while after he said he loved me, and I'd brushed him off.
  4. SO, we were a living, breathing rom-com
  5. The entire vacation is the musical montage/closing credits of the rom-com
  6. Including the part where we procure weed and do all sorts of beach activities.
  7. Including the part where we are high taking pictures next to iguanas.
  8. Including the part where I find out he's never had a professional massage before!
  9. So we ring the spa at the resort, they can see us now!
  10. So we smoke just a little bit more, and head down in our bathing suits.
  11. We are loud and practically skipping until the very second we enter the dark, completely silent, lavender scented spa.
  12. We immediately realize we've made a bad choice.
  13. We are incredibly high. We should leave.
  14. My new boyfriend has gone completely silent. He looks nauseous.
  15. We are handed clip boards with a bunch of forms to fill out, the last question is about which gender masseuse we want.
  16. He looks at me with searching eyes...he doesn't know what to do.
  17. I circle female for him.
    The 2 minutes inside his head debating this before asking me must have been brutal.
  18. I circle female for me.
  19. They take the clip boards and inform us that our masseuses would be right out to get us and to relax with some cucumber water.
    No one has ever offered me anything so perfect at the most perfect time before or since then.
  20. Soon a woman, and the most gorgeous, tall, perfectly sculpted man come in from the back to get us.
    There are only these two masseuses available. One man. One woman.
  21. I realize my boyfriend's dilemma immediately.
  22. After a few beats, my boyfriend walks up to the gorgeous, tall, perfectly sculpted man and shakes his hand.
    Well played.
  23. I go in with the woman.
  24. I am way too high for this. This was a bad idea.
  25. I start taking my bathing suit off in front of her and she is surprised and says "oh let me give you some privacy!!"
    This is the moment that my paranoid brain begins to worry that she thinks I'm coming on to her.
  26. The massage pretty much went like this: MASSAGE THOUGHTS
  27. I'm worrying also about my boyfriend. There's no way he's enjoying himself. Maybe he is? Maybe I'm the only weirdo who can't hang?
  28. I try to will myself to go to sleep.
  29. It's finally over!
  30. I am less high now and realize walking through the whole hotel from the spa to my room in a bathing suit is a bad idea. I stuff my suit into my bathrobe pocket and scuttle out.
  31. I go to the little spa waiting room and they said everything was already charged to the room and my gentleman friend had tipped as well...but I should feel free to hang out in their relaxation lounge for as long as I wanted.
  32. Nope.
  33. I am desperate for his recap, I quietly bolt out the door on the way to the lounge and power walk all the way back to the room.
  34. He is sitting on the bed staring at the door when I walk in and we laugh for 20 min.
  35. He did not enjoy it.
  36. (I gave the robe back.)