How to Navigate A Wedding Like the Trash You Are

Case in point for why I'm shitty.
  1. Do not bring a gift.
    Forget until 5 minutes before you have to leave that gifts are expected. Tell yourself you'll send one later (knowing full well you never will.) Only feel bad about this when you see what the couple did in lieu of favors.
  2. Ride with a friend so you can drink as much as you want.
    Bonus: if you pick a responsible person to ride with, you won't be late like you normally are. You'll avoid that uncomfortable moment when you try to squeeze in front of the maid of honor as she begins her procession down the aisle.
  3. Realize your phone is dead five minutes into the ceremony and keep asking your friends all night if you can borrow theirs.
  4. Strategically choose a table during the reception that is near a good food station.
  5. Save seats for all your friends. Feel no shame.
    Just take one thing at a time from your clutch and lay the items at spaces around the table.
  6. Side note: try to only attend weddings with open bars.
    Always forget to bring cash to add to the tip jar.
  7. Do not be shy about being the first person through the food line.
    People will actually thank you for this one.
  8. Make sure you and your friends take pictures before the sun goes down.
    Gotta capitalize on that natural light, yo.
  9. Contemplate stealing the center pieces to decorate your patio.
  10. Bother the bride on multiple occasions to take a picture with her bc the fool you asked to take your picture the first time only takes one and it looks like this:
  11. Dance!
    So sad there are no pictures of this.