Self Sabotage 101

Follow these simple steps and you, too, can be a disaster!
  1. Procrastinate Procrastinate Procrastinate
    Whether it is as trivial as getting gas or as important as filing your taxes, always wait until the last possible second to do anything. April 14th at 9:30 is probably a great time to sign into turbo tax and wonder where your W-2 went.
  2. Be outrageously optimistic
    To the point of insanity. Can I get across town in 8 minutes? Sure!! Will the dryer dry my clothes in half the usual time? Why ever not?!
  3. Try to do everything on your own
    Be afraid to ask for help. Be wary of receiving assistance. Never accept the fact that people who love you would very much like to give you a hand. Everything depends on you alone.
  4. Trust in God, strangers and The Universe to come through for you 100% of the time.
    Those things in conjunction will come through for you 87% of the time but for the other 13% you. are. fucked.
  5. Have zero boundaries
    Allow toxic people to emotionally drain you and wreck you. Give them a blank check over your life. Put your heart in their hands even if they've pulverized it before.
  6. Have zero self awareness
    Never self reflect. Never apologize. Never let anyone else tell a better story than yours. Interrupt often. Offer unsolicited criticism any chance you get. Believe the world owes you.