WHY YOUR FAVE COULD ABSOLUTELY NEVER

Aka the tale of the Beyoncé surprise album, 2013
  1. So anyone that knows me knows Beyoncé is the queen of my life
    And Jesus is my king. It's really quite simple.
  2. So one would naturally understand how fed up I was with her ass in 2013 when we hadn't received an album for TWO YEARS
    There were only so many times I could excuse her mispronouncing of "algebra"
  3. I was writing a final essay on racial passing, 10-12 pages in length, in a restricted conference room in the depths of the student center
    I remember every detail of this night
  4. And going to the Mrs. Carter show the very next day
  5. I had blocked any sort of contact with the outside world
    Self-control and do not disturb mode were on a hunnid.
  6. And then, at 11:00:01 PM, it happened. And somehow the universe contacted me.
    I had a group chat with my cousins, a gaggle of Bey stans. Turns out I forgot about iMessage on my Mac
  7. I started screaming
    And took 2 pee breaks. I did at least 12 laps around the room.
  8. Then opened up iTunes to find this
    You're just gonna shut down the entire system, sis?
  9. I was writing the paper with another black who didn't know me that well at the time
    She was worried she should alert the paramedics
  10. But I proceeded to buy all 32 trax on that bitch
    I had maybe $3 in my bank acct. This did not matter
  11. And then the tears started coming
    So naturally, I called @aprilkquioh
  12. And she didn't believe me
    She had just awoken from a post-finals coma and was just trying to figure of where she was tbh
  13. But moments later, I became the plug
  14. Then came the offers
  15. Then came the premonitions
  16. Needless to say, I didn't finish my paper til 6 AM
    Honestly, I probably interjected some "Mine" lyrics in there accidentally
  17. Then took my black ass to her show the next day
    I blacked out. @aprilkquioh collapsed in my arms at least 5x
  18. She tried it. And I'm still recovering from the edge snatching that was December 13, 2013
  19. Where were you on the fateful winter day?