CRAZY THINGS MY PATIENTS HAVE SAID

"I'm sorry, what?!" Or... Trying really hard to not react like you just said something crazy to your doctor. List requested by @mlh
  1. While knuckle deep during a rectal exam on an 85-year-old dude: "you know, this is the closest two people could come without having sex with each other"
    No you didn't just go there. I was already gagging because your poop is on my finger (please reference previous list entitled, "I MAY BE A DOCTOR, BUT... I MAY BE A DOCTOR, BUT... )
  2. I'm allergic to everything except D... d.. Something with a "d." Dilaudid!
  3. Vicodin helps with my seizures
  4. Are you old enough to be my doctor?
  5. Can you be my nurse every day?
  6. I can't take Tylenol. It makes me CRAZY.
  7. I don't know why but I feel all mixed up.
    Patient who recently had her tubes tied....
  8. Hi there, Dr. Cutie pie!
    Said by a 4-year-old boy with some serious game
  9. SIDENOTE: fellow docs & healthcare providers please feel free to contribute to this post via suggestions below.