I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHO READS THE SUPER TABLOIDY TABLOIDS

...Like the ones that claim things like celebs being abducted by aliens and other nonsense. My husband bought me a copy of the National Examiner as a gag gift (see this list: HOW TO SHOP FOR VALENTINE'S DAY IF YOU'RE A PROCRASTINATOR LIKE @HOOGIE AND ME), and I flipped through and have figured out who exactly reads these tabloids.
  1. This is the current issue.
    Take it all in. Now, Watson, join me as we use our skills of careful observation and deduction to determine who the readership could be.
  2. The readership cares about Joan Crawford, and probably not because they're a hipster into vintage stuff. They are also scandalized by anything other than heterosexual relationships, which are obviously an invention of today and couldn't possibly have been around since the beginning of time.
  3. The readership may have been around when JFK was president. They also love conspiracy theories.
  4. The readership may enjoy being nuzzled by 800-pound domesticated pigs.
  5. The readership cares about sex, but doesn't want to do it often.
  6. The readership believes in psychics.
  7. The readership trusts that the elderly psychic's double vision isn't because he needs glasses.
  8. The readership loves the King of Rock. And Christmas ornaments. And buying Christmas ornaments in February.
  9. The readership is frustrated by gardening in the winter months.
  10. The readership likes to blame previous generations for their problems.
  11. The readership trusts shady-looking doctors who peddle supplements to detox your detoxing organ.
    "Livatone." Did she come up with this name because your liver needs to atone for its sins? Is it because you need to tone up your liver?
  12. The readership likes creepy life-like baby dolls and wants to hold hands with them.
  13. The readership is wowed by modern technology and sex (probably because they don't have any).
  14. The readership is one of those people who marries prison inmates they became pen pals with.
  15. The readership may have been around during the Cold War, likes psychics (established), and conspiracy theories (established).
  16. The readership likes horoscopes (established) and may have dementia and not realize Valentine's Day occurs while this issue is out.
  17. The readership thinks women are dumb or incapable of influencing intelligence.
  18. The readership enjoys the circus and probably pays 25¢ to see bearded ladies and contortionists.
  19. The readership watched Rosemary's Baby and is scarred for life.
  20. So who is the readership?
  21. What do they look like?
  22. It may be obvious at this point... But if not...
  23. The readership looks like this.
    Artist: Phillip Kremer (IG: @phillip.kremer)